It’s a whole lot easier to stay silent when the tempest rages but our marriage was birthed in a storm. The cloudburst led us to dance in the rain, sing through the storm, and stay when it downpours.
One week after finding out the news that I have PCOS, I received an invitation. It was a birth announcement from my sister that she was due with a baby boy! They had waited to find out the gender before sharing. She decided not to send the written card in the mail and when she received my call, she knew why: it would’ve been delivered on the day I found out that I was certainly not “due.”
In my heart, this RSVP had options:
will celebrate in person!
or will become bitter in spirit…
accept with pleasure!
or decline with misery…
or sorry, wish it could be me instead…
let the good times roll!
or you’ll have to carry on without me…
The snake came slithering and quickly dug his fangs in deep. He pulled me into his coils and said, “Look, both your sister and sistern’law are pregnant with their 3rd child and you haven’t even had your first.” I acknowledged that the bite hurt. Then I saw the sheddings of a viper…bitterness, jealously, and discontentment. The injection had been declined. The poison was overpowered by the blood of the Lamb. The venom had been clinched before it had a chance to flow through my veins.
Things change when we’ve encountered disappointment. It’s not that our vision gets blurry, it just hyper focuses on what it has not yet been appointed.
The desire grows in getting what we want, not becoming who He is.
“Well Bethany, it’s only natural to be jealous when you find out that kind of news.” Well, God made me supernatural so what used to be normal is now abnormal! It shouldn’t be normal to respond in jealousy! It shouldn’t be normal to react with coveting! An apple doesn’t leak orange juice when squeezed, so sin shouldn’t seep out when the enemy’s grip constricts us. The fruit of God’s Spirit in us should overflow.
God isn’t taking away our permission to hurt. He gives us the power we need to heal.
Do we realize the enemy’s goal is to get us utterly offended, so jealous, completely depressed, full of bitterness, all to convince us that we don’t have life to the fullest? This blog isn’t to teach you how you can step over my toes. It’s to invite you to step on His feet like a little girl again and allow our Father to lead this dance. Jesus can bend back the hands of time. He is willing to change the plan at the persistence of our voice. He empowers us to speak to creation and see it respond.
I’m not interested in putting on the mask of “being positive.” I think that can actually be negative. I’m possessed by hope. This is not wishful thinking.
Hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:5
“By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.” Hebrews 11:3
I pray for a generation to rise up against infertility in a new way…to live a life unoffended by God and man. I pray against the spirit of disbelief at hearing the words “you’re kids are going to be beautiful.” I pray against the spirit of despair at the sight of another mother. I pray against the spirit of jealousy from the news of a little life that isn’t yours. Perhaps believing the lie that “maybe God loves His other children more because they got a gift we didn’t.” Maybe we’ve forgotten that He knows us and He has done enough. So I ask the tough question that it all boils down to…Is He enough?
Has our eye for children gotten bigger than our focus on Him? Matthew 5:29 says, “If your right eye causes you to lust, gouge it out!” Kill the eye that only sees what it can’t have. Has our whole world been wrapped up in this one thing? I do not want to gain the whole world and lose my soul. A child will not fulfill me. He is my promise. I am in heaven when He’s holding my hand. Dare I question my Maker. Delayed gratification strengthens my soul. With each step I will see His deliverance. God is healer. God is my solution. Not a specialist. Not medicine. Not diets. Not dreams. Are you brave enough to believe with me? “the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.” Romans 4:17
So I accept the invitation and respond with celebration. I am taking it one step at a time and assuming the best. I trust Him. I really do.
That is not to say the temptation to step into a victim mentality doesn’t come knocking. I just answer and say, you have the wrong heart!
And this same month that I have been told the news of my barrenness, I held two little lives (twins) from the womb of my sistern’love and I held them close and gave them a kiss knowing that where they came from, they have met the One who holds all things, for He is the One who released them to come at such a time as this. A gift from Him to me, to remember that He exhales life. So satan, what you meant for evil, I know that my God meant it for good…and so, it is good.