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    I’m a foal


    I had asked God a few months ago, “Why did you choose a donkey to ride on? What was it’s significance?” And there I read:

    “Ride forth upon me as Thou didst ride into Jerusalem mounted upon the humble little beast, a colt, the foal of an ass, and let me hear the children cry to Thee, ‘Hosanna in the highest.’ -A W Tozer

    And I began praying to Jesus as a donkey…

    It was the greatest day of my life when Your meekness met mine. See I had heard the stories past down through the generations of my Great/Great/….. Grandma who told us of a time where she was beaten from a man named Balaam who rode on her. (see Numbers 22) She saw the Angel of the Lord stand before them and resisted each time but was met with a strike and beating. She thrust herself back at the sight of the Angel and crushed Balaam’s foot against the wall; so he struck her again. After the third time, she laid down in submission to her true King but her owner was blind and struck her this time with his false pretentious staff. Then her response became loud enough for Balaam to hear as You opened her mouth to speak and his eyes were opened.

    She told every generation that continued to pass it down to look for the Angel of God and to not resist, and there You were. You could’ve chosen a stallion but You came for me. You didn’t lose an ounce of your dignity even as You sat on me. You weren’t afraid to take second place by riding on a donkey. You restored the stolen throne of my back. Nothing had ever felt as light as You. It was the first day that I didn’t have rocks between my hoofs. There were no whips in Your hands or bruises on my side. Instead You let my feet walk on clothes of carpet as my eyes caught a crowd that beheld heaven on earth. I teared up as I watched the greatest scene of my life of a people cheering Your name knowing that it wouldn’t last for long and aching for the time I would see that scene again in heaven. My heart broke as I returned to my stable but it was filled to never be the same again.

    My Grandmother had carried the weight of man upon her back and felt the sting of abuse upon her skin. It was the Law that held the heaviness of fear upon her shoulders. But I, thousands of generations later…I got to carry the weight of a King upon my back, feeling the touch of kindness upon my head. It was the day that Grace broke the heavy yoke upon my shoulders.

    Thank you for the best day of my life.

    “Say to Daughter Zion, ‘See, your king comes to you, gentle and riding on a donkey, and on a colt, the foal of a donkey.'” -Matthew 21:5

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    against the clock & compass: overcoming a barren mindset with an infertile womb

    The other day I plugged in a destination and 2 hours later, GPS said that I had arrived when I was on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. I was filled with fear in my unknown surroundings at the thought that I was totally lost yet hoping I mistyped the address. My heart fluttered because I timed my travel based on my time of arrival and now it was me against the clock and my compass. That’s what finding out the news of infertility feels like, where your inserted address does not bring you to your determined destination and time can feel as if it’s racing against you. I love the lyric in Katy Perry’s song called, “Rise”: “When the fire’s at my feet again, and the vultures all start circling, saying you’re out of time, but I will rise.”

    Romans 4:20-21 says, “Yet he [Abraham] did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised.”

    Other times we can feel a lot like the older brother (sister) in the Prodigal Son story. Why did she get a party? She’s been out partying and wasting your money… We refuse to go in to the party (or the baby shower). We decline to celebrate with others. We point out to God all the ways we deserve this blessing like, “God, how come this woman gets pregnant and she has the worst home life and us having stable jobs and a godly marriage struggle with infertility?”

    So why does God give drug addicts, rapists and the ill equipped babies and the Christian woman is barren? 

    Satan is the prince of the world (unless you choose Christ, you’re in his prison cell) and he wants to raise up more demonic children to become like their parents, hating life & hating God. Then he attacks the Christian by stealing from her womb hoping it will rob her love for God too. When you think its God’s fault, you’ve taken Him off of His throne and put the devil. Meanwhile the devil is laughing because he fooled you into thinking that it’s God’s fault rather than his. Now subconsciously satan has become your friend as you believe what he says about your situation and without saying it aloud or even realizing it, God has become your enemy. 

    God gives and satan steals. 

    So dry your tears, forgive God for your indirected bitterness & anger and then start telling satan what God is going to do for your barren situation because death has never stopped Him. 

    Or maybe some of you feel like the younger brother (sister) because you lost your virginity or had an abortion and feel that those are the reasons you are facing infertility. No, God the Father is waiting on the porch for His prized possession to come home. He’s ready to give back everything that was stolen or lost. Everything He has is ours.

    “We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.” -Romans 5:3–5

    Celebrate in suffering? 

    How do you attend a party for yourself if you can’t even send the invitation? 

    Imagine hinting to your dad every time you’re out shopping that you want this one item all to wake up Christmas morning and see your sister opening the gift you wanted. Tears fill your eyes and jealousy whispers lies and your heart feels invisible. 

    But re-imagine that as your shopping you notice a glimmer in your sister’s eye and whisper to your dad that he should get it for her. He agrees and asks you to wrap her gift on Christmas Eve with him. Now tears fill your eyes as she opens the gift and your heart is warm. 

    As a co-laborer with Christ, I am not threatened when my sister sees breakthrough! I spent time with my Father praying to see it come to pass. 

    So when a friend of mine who had struggled with infertility & gone to the same specialist as us announced that she was pregnant, the response wasn’t, “Why not me? Where’s mine God?” It’s a genuine celebration! 

    I have learned that my boat doesn’t have to sink when others learn to swim. 

    But if disappointment fills your veins and heartbreak keeps you awake, the lie that He has forgotten has hummed way too loud over the truth that you have never left His mind. Lets also not forget that the woman who bore the nations at 90 years old was barren. YOU are God’s miracle child! 

    And because of the cross, He struck death with barrenness when He birthed you! 

    In Luke 8, Jairus comes up to Jesus asking if He could come and heal his 12 year old daughter who was dying. He goes to do so when a woman touches His robe and power is released from Him. He turns around to ask who touched Him and as He is trying to find the woman who was hiding, Jairus is still standing there probably thinking, “The girl is healed! Lets go, because my girl isn’t!” As Jesus is stopping for this one, Jairus’ friend comes to him and says, “Don’t bother asking Jesus to heal your daughter, she just died.”

    I am sure his heart sunk! Jesus was healing a woman who bled for 12 years but his 12 year old daughter just lost life because of it. Jesus looks at him and says, “Jairus, do not let fear enter; she is not dead, she is just sleeping.” They go to his house and all the people who were filled with grief were left out of the room. He only let those with hope see the miracle. 

    I know the enemy has comes just like Jairus’ friend and says, “Don’t even bother asking Jesus to heal your womb, it’s dead. Didn’t you hear what the doctor said? You’re infertile. The years prove it.” But Jesus turns and says, “Don’t you dare let fear enter. Your babies aren’t dead, they are just sleeping and when I come, I will tell them to quit sleeping and arise!”

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    Self Doubt Almost Swallowed Me

    I’ve always enjoyed sharing my recipes…the ingredients of how I made a relationship with Holy Spirit and how others can too. But the risk in sharing my cookbook is that the directions can be misread or misinterpreted like the time I accidentally scooped powdered sugar instead of flour.

    One missed step, one wrong brand, or one missing ingredient can ruin the whole process. All of a sudden a friend is claiming she’s “not a baker” all because of a failed recipe. The hearts who trusted God but doubt entered in and they renounced their conversion to faith. Fear of failure overtook the confidence they once carried.

    I could hold onto my recipes and deem them as “secret” or “for family only” forcing the hungry to come eat at my table…coddling my control and delighting in my hidden knowledge, convincing others that I was born to bake and sorrowful that God had not gifted them with the same. 

    Or I could take a risk and expose the tools that I was taught to keep a heart and belly full. I could give away what has delighted my hands to prepare and what has sweetened my lips.

    Because I was made to share, not to hoard… To teach, not just feed… To tell, not keep quiet… To expose, not keep secrets. Because others deserve the gift to not just taste or come with forks ready but to grasp for themselves the privilege of hosting their own meal. They should find the worth in messing up, starting over, consistency, full attention, complete effort, stocking the cupboards, buying the ingredients, for the reward of knowing, feeding and giving so that one day, they can share their own recipe of how they formed deep friendship with God.

    Everyone cooks differently but our desire is all the same…to cook something so delicious that it calls people to the table to eat and enjoy. 

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