I remember praying, “God, I don’t care about getting pregnant. I just want this rash (effects of low progesterone) would go away.” I had a dermatologist appointment scheduled and the first opening they had available was FOUR MONTHS away. 2 weeks before the appointment, I got an email from Bethel Music inviting me to meet the team in Little Rock, AR. In order to make it on time to meet the team, I would have to miss my appointment. I purchased my tickets without hesitation. I asked God to allow them to have an appointment before March. They said, “Mam, do you want it to be that late? We have a cancellation for tomorrow.” This was ONE WEEK before my actual scheduled appointment! God said to me, “Bethany, you cared more about your spiritual health than your physical health and I always reward those who put the best thing first.”
I realized God thought it was important that I be at the Bethel concert. I wasn’t planning on going but He knew the way to get me there. There were many words spoken that night but the theme seemed to be DREAMS, HOPE, & God BIRTHING something in us.
We began singing “Draw Near to Me” by Jeremy Riddle, which says, “I’ve made a place for you here, so c’mon, c’mon, All things are possible here so c’mon, c’mon.”
I saw Jesus building my house in heaven and He led me upstairs and said, “C’mon, I want to show you something.” He opened the door to our 3rd bedroom and He had decorated it into a nursery. I heard Him sing to me, “I’m walking into your womb…I am forming a new room.”
My stomach began to cramp and I heard Him say, “You won’t have to worry about that next month.” I immediately assumed He was telling me I would be pregnant next month. I shared with close friends in vulnerability, anticipation and fear but the next month I was certainly not “due.”
“I guess I heard Him wrong,” I thought. From that point on something changed in my heart posture. Subconciously I was angry at God. My heart knew the sound of His voice. I knew He spoke those words but since they did not ring true, my depth (the unseen and unheard places) began to register God as a liar.
So many things had happened…
-One day I looked down at my ring and for the first time ever I saw 2 baby blue parallel lines reflecting from the sapphire in the middle, which is the sign of a positive pregnancy test.
-A diaper showed up in my driveway
-I had a dream and a man said, “There’s a baby in your belly.” I woke up as lightning flashed and lit up our whole room. To this day, I still believe it was an angelic visitation.
-I officially knew something was wrong when three girls in one week told me they had dreams of me being pregnant. I heard Him start to encourage me and I looked up at Him and said,
“God, stop! Don’t say what you don’t mean. I am tired of hearing these things. If You’re not going to do it, don’t say it!”
A few months later, I let myself process that thought that I rarely let through…the thought of: “What if I never have kids of my own? What if I never see those baby blue eyes?” I began to cry. God said to me, “Bethany, remember when I spoke to you at the concert?…You heard me correctly, you just misinterpreted what I said.” I began to think on those words, “You won’t have to worry about that next month.” I realized that He was speaking against worry. He was taking away my fear that night.
Comfort filled my heart and hope began to introduce herself again. The end of my 27th year was nearing and our last IUI was yet to be done. I decided to schedule my appointment right before we headed on our trip to Bethel. A few days after our IUI, I got out of my car and began to pray: “Jesus, I declare life over my womb. I will see those little baby blues!” Right when I finished that prayer, I saw a black lizard. I kept walking down the stairs and said, “Oh what? You’re not gonna run?” as it just stayed in the same position.
I have never seen a lizard not run from my feet. I stomped towards it and there was not an inch of movement. I stepped one step down and looked at it. It took its eyes from the ground slowly up to mine and I saw its eyes were red. I immediately knew it was a demon. I said, “Go! In the name of Jesus!” It remained as still as a statue. “I said, in Jesus’ name, go!” Then it took off running the other direction. What you don’t know about this story, is that a while back, a black lizard showed up at my friend’s house and she miscarried that night. I didn’t declare death but I knew what had been done. The enemy came to steal.
Fast forward to a flight to California, and there I was in the middle of the room, getting prayer for this struggle of infertility, without anyone in the room knowing why I was sitting there. I saw this picture of a hole being cut out of the roof and me being lowered in to Jesus’ presence. He said, “Bethany, you’re heart is so crippled, you couldn’t walk to Me for healing so your friends are lowering you down to be at My feet.” Tears fill my eyes even now as I write this. He was so right and I had never thought of myself as the crippled in that story. (Mark 2:4) I am usually the one cutting the hole, or already in the room on the front row! But that night, I was the paraplegic. I couldn’t move against gravity. My heart was experiencing paralysis…a loss of power of voluntary movement in a muscle through injury. That night so many words were spoken over me: “You will be a mother…to your own children.” “You think God has been teasing you, but He is not.” “I see a rainbow of promise over you.”–The second day of the year, I watched a storm and God called me to come outside. I looked up and saw the rainbow above. (the picture of this blog)
My stomach began cramping that night and I started the next morning. I could’ve gotten angry but instead I fell. I fell out of my head and into His heart. I felt it beating for me. I saw that He had to speak life right before death because it was the very thing that would sustain me from seeing empty to being filled. And I noticed that is a habit of His to do so. He always makes the fall gentle. So that I won’t fall in anger with satan but fall in love with Him.
When I saw the trail of blood I couldn’t help seeing not failure but victory. I remembered the blood He smeared on the cross that brought NOT death to my womb but life to infertility, and infinite children into eternity. My period is not pain. My blood is a reminder of His.
When I came home, I walked outside of Walmart and looked down to see a ‘dead’ black lizard. I looked closer and it was a fake rubber one so I walked away. God told me to turn around and go stomp on it…so I did. I wondered…is the enemy playing dead? Was God training me to stomp when the next alive one shows up? Or did God turn the black lizard I saw that day into a rubber toy after what he did to me? Maybe one day I’ll look down and my son will be playing with a black rubber lizard and I’ll remember the day that I prophesied victory.
Later that day I felt Jesus say, “Come outside, I have something to show you.” I sat down and the wind chimes started playing a song. I said, “Lord, what is it?” He said, “Wait for it.” I waited and waited and then saw what He wanted me to wait for…it was a bright green lizard, symbolizing life. Oh, and isn’t that what He has given to me? Life and life abundantly.
And every time I see red…I remember the promise because I know that red is the first color of the rainbow.