I sat there in a cotton paper towel dress as she pulled out a wand that looked like the one I use to curl my hair with. I never imagined the moment of looking up at an ultrasound screen without my husband and with no baby in my stomach. A place where many go to discover a little life in black and white and I was finding nothing but barrenness. She said, “Listen you’re skinny, you’re young, you have no symptoms, I really think this will just be a check off of your list.”
I headed back into the room and the doctor came back in. “I am so sorry to tell you this…I didn’t think you would have…Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. My heart dropped but my mouth just smiled back at her as she referred me to a Specialist in Jackson. “This Doctor WILL get you a baby! Everyone sends him their Christmas cards with them and their baby,” she said as she walked to open the door. I laughed to myself thinking, “I know a better doctor and He will give me a baby.”
I walked outside and immediately an orange butterfly flew to me. “You’re with me God,” I whispered. “I never left” He whispered back. Tears began to stream my face with the joy of His comforting presence. I didn’t even have to call God’s name, He rushed to my side. Signs follow me. He speaks to me through them and this sign represented Caleb & I, because I wore butterflies in my hair as we got engaged and when we got married.
2 years ago we decided that we were going on “Birth Surrender.” It is my own made up word and is the opposite of birth CONTROL. We weren’t “ready“-in our finances -in our marriage -and all of those other ridiculous excuses (like “you haven’t travelled the world yet) that the world tried to weigh us down with and we denied their offer. But we decided God was ready from the moment we said, “I do” so if we placed it in His hands, He would gift us when we were “ready.” To some we were considered unwise to others we were brave. So, I thought for sure we would be announcing to our families that Christmas. Instead the family gathered at the table and my sister’nlove announced that they were expecting! They had always joked us that we would have kids first. I made eyes with Caleb with a small smirk with the anticipation that our time would come and I wasn’t discouraged that it wasn’t then.
Unlike Caleb, I can honestly say, “baby fever” hasn’t frequented me often. I didn’t grow up wanting to be a mother as my full time job & the more I was married the more the desire for a baby kept being put on the backburner. So here I was on birth surrender not really sure if I had surrendered. I remember singing one Sunday, “I surrender my hands, my heart,” and the word ‘womb’ slipped off my tongue. I began weeping and the Lord said to me, “Bethany, you are apathetic. You don’t care if you do have a baby and you don’t care if you don’t. I want you to surrender your womb.”
So many asked in these last few years, “so are you guys trying?” I cringed at the word “trying” because I didn’t want our baby to come from striving. I wanted to rest in His timing and be surprised spontaneously. But that moment never came every time the red dot (.) did. But I refused to live in fear that I might not be able to have kids. I fully trusted that God would provide in His timing so I didn’t rush to the OBGYN.
I finally made an appointment back in January and their first available appointment wasn’t until September!!! I knew God was even in that delay, so I waited with Him. So here I was, crying in Caleb’s arms facing the facts of what the doctor had said but knowing the truth.
The fact is that: I can’t get pregnant.
The truth is that: I can get pregnant.
In the check out line I couldn’t stop saying, “Jesus, how can anyone blame You for this? All I feel in this moment is that You are doing everything possible to work this for my good. I know without a doubt You love me.” I went home and felt a peace wash over me. A gratefulness that of all people, He chose us to drink this cup of suffering. He entrusted us with trouble. He is letting us get a new glimpse of His face.
As I called my closest family and friends, they reminded me of things Holy Spirit had told me years ago:
In the first year of our marriage, a prophetess spoke over my womb and said “The Lord is healing your inner organs & He will give you a baby.” >>I had forgotten this and quite frankly dismissed it. But the Lord showed me
He was speaking healing before I ever knew it was a problem.
That night Caleb & I went camping with our double Eno hammock, a rain fly and a bug net. A storm decided to join us on our adventure. Like wedding day. Like camping trip. We cuddled up with thunder so loud it sounded like a shot gun and lightning so bright we saw each other’s faces in the velvet black night. And we laughed…we talked…we rested…with not a drop of rain touching us. God was giving us a prophetic picture of what this season will look like. The storm raged all around us but we never moved.
At church, the message was on “Suffering” and he spoke from Romans 8:17-25 “These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting doesn’t diminish a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. The longer the wait the more joyful our expectancy.”
Holy Spirit had told me:
There are some things worth waiting for
& there are some things worth fighting for.
Hope is a promise I’m waiting on. A promise that has turned into a process. So we wait eagerly.
As Caleb & stood at the front of the church ready to receive any who longed for prayer, a college girl came up. She said to us, the Lord gave me a vision of you holding a baby & Caleb you’re looking over her shoulder so proud. I don’t know if you guys have been trying? But God wants you to know He is going to come through.” Tears streamed down my face and once again He wanted me to expect a miracle.
2 years ago the Lord had me write this down. My friends also reminded me that God told me that I would have complications getting pregnant. He’s been telling me all along. He’s been preparing me to sing my song:
“Can a country be born in a day or a nation be brought forth in a moment? Yet no sooner is Zion in labor than she gives birth to her children. Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery? says the Lord. Rejoice with Jerusalam, & be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice with her in joy…Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river & the glory of nations like an overflowing stream.”-Isa. 66
I like to look at it like this…
I am a magnet for a miracle.
The Lord spoke to me after reminding me of Paul singing in jail and said, “Bethany, there are women still locked in prison and they need to hear you sing.” This is why I am sharing my story…my anthem of God’s faithfulness because what He started He will finish. Everything gets done on His to do list so I dont have to worry. What He said He will do, He has promised to come through, so you don’t have to worry. All i’s dotted and one last t to cross, using His outstretched arms, He crossed it all off on the cross, so my whole life I’ll walk in what He’s done
and I’ll begin where it was finished.